“THE SIDE OF YOU, YET UNKNOWN”: by Mercylyn b Odibo

Oftentimes, people tend to approach situations based on how they are perceived. Other times, it stems from the external and subjective perception by others. Most people have heard more nos, than they have accumulated the yeses. In this world, where judgment abounds, egos and momentum may be crushed and unapologetically, resulting in lack of confidence and perhaps broken dreams. But not to worry, the journey is full of people just like you and me.

In my epiphany, (sudden realization) it wasn't about confidence or what people might think, and perhaps say, it was what I was telling myself, and that is, What if I can't? The importance of that awareness became apparent, that in whatever work, field, and career we pursue, these thoughts never stray far, nor the fact that so many have told themselves, they don't have the experience or qualification and didn’t measure up and reason why whatever it is will fail. And the list goes on and on. But the question is, how can we, if we don't venture, and discover the outcome we so dread?

In two of my unpublished poems from my Little Collectives of Poetry, "who I am" and "ventured" I dealt extensively in the power of recognizing one's capabilities and who we are. There can never be another one as unique, fearfully and beautifully created and endowed as you. But what if you never find out or find you?. How do you revolve these revolving thoughts and discover you?

When I began writing, I was so terrified to let anyone see my journals, I felt I didn’t have the nudge for it, and not good enough, until my teacher saw a poem I wrote for my class essay assignment, and she instantly got hooked, got emotional and sought me out in class. The words she spoke to me have stayed with me ever since. At that time, I even took further steps following her counsel, and it transpired into having my very first magazine/newspaper publication while still in high school.

It instantly struck me that my momentum had built. However, my deep rooted fears and insecurities regarding my paintings still lingered. My imaginary live scenery paintings were impeccable, but my portraits sulked. When I see portraits painted by other artists, it struck a chord with me, and I told myself it was unattainable and would never measure up, and I concluded that drawing portraits wasn't my thing. Yet, I couldn't let go of my yearning and passion for it.

So, I decided I would try again. I hadn't any model, except for an online photo. And your guess is right, I was terrified of its outcome, I even developed cold feet. But I had sharpened my pencils, there’s no turning back, and needed to see it through. When I finished, it turned out well, but not the likeness in the photo I had in mind, but rather, the portrait of a well known celebrity and I never intended to draw her. If you can imagine that day. I was ecstatic. I also concluded it was a prophetic type of drawing. Because I have never seen

that celebrity, nor had her in mind when I embarked on my drawing. But, that did not daunt my excitement, which was unfathomable, especially now that I have achieved my goal and can now be considered a full blown artist. But despite that attainment, my inner desire to paint a portrait hasn't been met.

I saw the glimpses of opportunity when I requested to paint my book cover design. That would be my first ever portrait painting. The outcome left my jaw hanging and appalled. And without a doubt your guesses are as good as mine. The eyes didn’t just lack proportion, other errors in plain sight were apparent. The reaction of the production and design personnel was evident by the receipt of further cover designs that could stand out for my book. But I insisted on painting my own cover design. I went back and refined it, but I could still tell from their unspoken words, it was not enough. I tried to have an art designer paint me a cover design, but he was unavailable. I had no other choice than to pull off the inevitable. Going back, I do not have any formal writing or art education. Everything I know about writing, art and songwriting were all self taught.

After that initial interaction with my writing core. I hung up my pen, pencils and brushes to go to school, graduating in law and venturing into the legal arena. Studying law in Nigeria and in the United states. And thereafter reconnected with my basis and reverted back to writing and doing art. Without a doubt, with no formal education in fine art, the task of making the portrait happen, especially this front cover, gnawed at me, and providing a portrait that met the publishing standard was of dire importance and reneging on it was inevitable. I had no other choice but to retrace my steps and go back to the drawing board, to see what I am doing wrong. And once I figured out my loopholes, I was satisfied with the outcome, and my very first portrait painting. For me it felt like a dream come true, and my excitement, undoubtedly profound.

It registered right there, that I had it in me and could do it all along, except for the embargo of what I had told myself, and my self doubt that I couldn't do it. Which contributed largely to my fears and demoralized confidence. But these easily dissipated when I accepted my capabilities without any apologies and by changing my mindset regardless of what anyone thinks. I realized, I had to accept and believe it, to and for myself first.

I’d like to state that there's a hidden ‘you’ inside each of us, that’s yearning to be discovered and without a doubt, so many like me may have already discovered what is embedded inside us, but some have yet to. And perhaps still threading and intertwining with the hallows of fear in God given potentials. Here's and right now might be the time to take that dive into your wide world of opportunities and explore your hidden virtues. Delve in with me to unveil these. That is, if you still have not met you.